"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, NIV84)

After having been back in Canada for a month, returning home has been much different than I had imagined. One aspect that missionaries are cautioned about their return is reverse culture shock, the strange phenomenon of having to readjust back to one's home culture. (Strange having to readjust to something I've experienced for 20.5 years of my life.) For some, it's easy, and for others, it's hard.

Before leaving Uganda, I psyched myself up for having a very difficult time when I returned. I expected to hate almost everything about my home culture, seeing all the negatives about it and having a rotten outlook about being back home. Of course, I began missing Uganda even before stepping onto the airplane in Entebbe, but when I got home, I didn't have all those negative attitudes. I didn't hate my home culture, either. Certainly, there were a few aspects of it that I became more aware of, such as materialism and the perfect image-driven society that Canada is; but I was prepared for that, and if that's all there was going to be, my transition was going to be a cinch.

Or so I thought.

Moving an entire apartment and trying to squeeze it all into one bedroom is quite the feat, and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone; however, with a little space in the garage and basement, boxes can be hidden quite nicely. But all of that stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. Everywhere. And not just any stuff: clothes. Clothes that I hadn't seen in more than half a year. Clothes that I hadn't even thought about since last April.

Clothes that I didn't need.

I was disgusted with myself. So much money spent on clothing that I liked, clothing that was nice, but clothing that was unnecessary. After living with only two week's worth of clothing for 7.5 months, it certainly puts into perspective everything that you put in your closet and dresser. I cringed, and took out about 10 articles of clothing on the spot (no, not socks) and put them in a pile for donation, knowing that a future thorough clean out would soon happen.

And that's all there was. Still, not too bad for reverse culture shock, at least from what I expected to experience. But is there more to reverse culture shock than simple readjustment to Canadian life, if the word 'simple' can be used here?

A month being home, and I think I may have been prepared for the readjustment to the Canadian culture, but I missed a crucial element to my return, something that even a small child understands; yet somehow, I didn't prepare myself for it.

I. Miss. Uganda.

I miss the people. I miss the ministry. I miss the lifestyle. I've been so afraid to say this out loud to many people, afraid that they might be upset with me for not appreciating the fact that I'm with them presently, or become annoyed with me referring to stories of my time in Uganda so often. But the longer I spend away from there, the more I realize I miss Uganda.

Don't get me wrong; I love spending time with my friends here in Canada. I love spending time with my family, and being able to talk with them with only a two-hour time difference between us. But I never thought I would have to mentally and emotionally prepare myself to miss a place where I inhabited for only 7.5 months of my life.

The first week being back at school was also strange. Because Vanguard College consistently changes its population by half with new freshmen attending every year, I felt like I hardly knew anybody. Not only that, but many of my close friends have either graduated, moved on to different schools, or are in different parts of the world. Though some of them are still in Edmonton - some even still attending Vanguard - I started feeling lonely. I started reminiscing about my time in Uganda. I started missing Uganda even more. I started thinking about when I will return again, and when I will graduate my four years of college.

I started realizing that I didn't want to be here.

After having lived in the 'real world' for over half a year, and then coming back to theoretical books and work in classrooms, it felt as if there was no point. Why am I sitting in class when I could still be 'out there' doing 'better things with my life'? These are thoughts coming from a kid who loves school, and loves learning in a classroom setting.

What's the point?

The point is 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. The point is to be thankful. Always. At all times. In all situations. In all circumstances. The point is that God wants me to be back in Edmonton, sitting in a desk, learning behind textbooks, pens, and paper. The point is that, right now, God wants me here, not there.

The point is that, that's not what I'm feeling.

Does Paul (the author of 1 Thessalonians) actually mean to rejoice always and to be thankful in everything? Does he mean that in every situation and circumstance to be grateful - even when I don't feel like it? The answer is 100% yes. If Paul can still praise God and be thankful in terrible prison conditions, chained up and locked up in the depths of a dark cell, I think he also means to be thankful when I'm in Edmonton and not in Uganda. Even when I don't want to be.

Even though I prepared myself for the worst reverse culture shock possible, I completely missed preparing myself for the simple 'I miss Uganda' emotions. But if I miss Uganda, how can I be thankful that I'm here and not there? And if I am thankful that I'm here and not there, can I still miss Uganda? Is it possible for me to experience these 'I miss Uganda' emotions, yet at the same time still truly be thankful that I'm where God wants me to be?

Though appearing to be a paradoxical mindset, I believe it is possible to have. It's an outlook that I'm learning to have. I may have times of being more thankful. I may have times of missing Uganda more. But I am learning that wherever God has me is where God wants me, and I need to be thankful for that - even when I don't feel like it.

And it's still okay to miss Uganda, too.

Nov 19, 2016

Sufficiently Independent

As such, the more we become aware of our insufficiencies and our dependency upon God, the more we will incline ourselves to pray unceasingly.

Sep 17, 2016

An Increased Awareness

An increased awareness of God's presence always produces an increased awareness of our sin. There is no way around it. One simply cannot look upon the true Jesus Christ and not be confounded by both the awesome holiness of God's glory and grace, and the awful sinfulness of our own hearts and minds.

Sep 10, 2016

Can I Have a Re-Do?

I apologize for not being clear. The only person I have to blame is myself.

It’s not because everyone is dumb. It’s not because Stoplight is too complex. It’s because up until now, I’ve been answering the wrong question.

Jun 17, 2016

Every. Last. One.

There, of course, are quite a number that fall on any point along this spectrum, but very few that seem to be balanced in the middle. Perhaps this is because of our human nature to dichotomize issues until we’re black and blue in the face.

May 17, 2016

Did God Change His Mind?

It was in that moment that I had done it. I had officially made up my mind: I was going to stay in Edmonton for the remainder of 2016. No one could convince me otherwise, not even myself - as much as I wanted to.

And yet, I did change my mind. Or was it God? Did God change His mind? Can God change His mind?

Jan 17, 2016

Even When I Don't Feel Like It

Dec 29, 2015

Back in the Motherland (aka Canada)

As part of my re-entry assignment, I was asked to answer bunch of questions in my journal. As I answered these questions, I realized that there's no better way to help others understand where I am coming from, what I've experienced, and what I am thinking and feeling, than to share those responses.

Nov 23, 2015

DNA Transfusion

But is it true mentorship when you have to put the label of mentorship on it? I have always been discontented with the North American view of mentorship. It feels too mechanical, too impersonal. Is mentorship relegated to weekly/monthly checklist checkup meetings where only specific topics are discussed (particularly the taboo topics)? Is this the type of mentorship the Bible records? Or is mentorship something much greater?

Oct 25, 2015

Titles & Boxes

Though there were three new men, not one of them asked me this question. It did, however, come out through various conversations happening at the table that I was a Bible college student studying abroad and that I was planning on graduating in April. Boom. There was my title. No need to inquire any further. No need to ask the third important question.

Oct 12, 2015

Neither Here, Nor There

This wisdom may come from other people. It may come from using logic and my own thoughts. And it most certainly comes from understanding God's Word. But it just didn't seem spiritual enough. It didn't seem like the 'almost-graduated-Bible-college-student' way of making decisions. Balancing out pro's and con's, weighing out future regrets... This was not how I envisioned making this decision. It seemed too ordinary.