Neither Here, Nor There

Ever since I was young, I have been convinced of God's sovereign guidance, that He has a specific will for my life, and that I should seek those plans out, for I know His plans are far better than what I could ever dream of. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts; His ways higher than my ways (Isaiah 55:9). That's what I believe.

Throughout high school (and even beforehand), I had one career goal in life: to become a roller coaster designer! Growing up, I was obsessed with roller coasters, and every academic adventure in high school steered me in the direction of becoming an engineer. During this time, however, I felt like God wanted me to give this dream over to Him. I didn't know why; I just felt like He wanted me to. I remember weeping at times because I tried so hard to give this dream to Him.

But I couldn't.

It wasn't the money. It wasn't the thrill of doing something most others don't. For whatever reason, I was simply drawn to that career choice. It wasn't until a couple months before graduating high school that I even hinted at the desire of attending a Bible college. Through a simple question God placed in my mind, one thing led to another, and eventually going to Vanguard College in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada seemed to be the choice God wanted me to make. And I'm so glad I listened!

In the past three years, I have learned so much through theoretical and practical lessons, through classroom lectures and life experiences, and I do not regret letting God drastically change the course of my life. In the past three years, any decision that seemed at all important, I prayed to God that I would make the best choice, the one that God knew would make me most satisfied and fulfilled. My decision to stay longer in Uganda was no different.

As soon as the opportunity was presented to me, I called my parents for counsel. I called my siblings for advice. I called some of my closest friends for wisdom. I called my church for direction. And I prayed that God would direct me on the path He had chosen out for me to take. From past experiences, I knew that one way or another - however orthodox or unexpected - God would show me clearly which decision to make. Yet the more I prayed, the more I thought, and the more I analyzed the pro's and con's of staying versus leaving, I couldn't find a clear answer. No matter who I talked with, or what I thought, or how much I listened for an answer from God, it seemed as if God was staying silent. How could this be? From what I could remember, God somehow always showed me where He wanted me to go and what He wanted me to do. Why could I not seem to get a clear answer? There had to be a clear answer, didn't there?

If I can be honest, there was no specifically über spiritual guidance I felt that God gave me in my decision to stay longer. One of the biggest factors of me staying was simply the fact that I felt like I would regret too much going home at the end of August. I felt like I would never get this kind of opportunity again, and that it was a 'now-or-never' type of situation. I toyed around with the idea of taking a year off of college and graduating a year later, though my supervisor and program director convinced me otherwise (Why is it that I always seem to take on the biggest challenges possible?), so I am currently doing my studies from abroad, with the aim of still graduating in April. But there was no specific dream, vision, prophecy, or still voice that said, "Stay longer in Uganda" - most of which has happened to me at various times in my life. I was at a loss of what to do. Any other time in my life that I had to make a big decision like this, there had been clarity. Now it only seemed like it was only me, my thoughts, and a fork in the road.

I have searched throughout the Scriptures, and I cannot find any verse that says God will specifically speak in one particular way to His children. The Bible is filled with a vast amount of ways that God can (and still does) speak to people, yet it didn't seem like God was speaking to me at all. If there is one thing I forgot, it's that God gives wisdom and counsel (James 1:5) - a way that God speaks and gives direction. This wisdom may come from other people. It may come from using logic and my own thoughts. And it most certainly comes from understanding God's Word. But it just didn't seem spiritual enough. It didn't seem like the 'almost-graduated-Bible-college-student' way of making decisions. Balancing out pro's and con's, weighing out future regrets... This was not how I envisioned making this decision. It seemed too ordinary.

This past few months has made me rethink the concept of remaining in God's will, doing as He pleases, and trying to follow His plans that He has for me. When I make mistakes, I know He is sovereign and that He makes everything work according to His purpose and will (Ephesians 1:11), though that doesn't detract my responsibility to pursue following in His ways and plans for my life, listening for His voice in every day situations, in both big and small decisions.

I believe that God is always guiding us. We may not always realize it, and we may not always obey. Maybe sometimes in life it may feel like God isn't guiding us one way or another; but perhaps in those instances, we just aren't recognizing the ordinary for what it really is: God's guidance. Maybe I don't always need to decide based on a so-called spiritual experience and guidance (not that I'm belittling these ways God chooses to speak to His people at all!). Maybe the most unorthodox mode of God's guidance is in the most orthodox way possible:

Wisdom, counsel, and logic.